Tomorrow—Monday, is the NRMP Residency match program.

We are not participants this year.

Thank Goodness.

I can’t believe that was 2 years ago for us.

But my heart goes out to those thousands of med students and their families that will find out a little bit more about their future in just the one brief second it takes to open up an email or read a letter.

I’m writing about our experience with the Match process because it has everything to do with how I became a Stay at Home Worker.  (Yeah, it’s a powerful son of a gun effecting way too many people’s lives!!)

For those that aren’t familiar, the Match program is the process by which  medical students across the nation are placed or “matched” with a particular residency program.  It’s a lot like sorority rush.  Seriously.

During David’s last year of med school he began applying for residency programs all across the U.S.  From there,  certain programs offered him interviews.   When interviews were complete, David “ranked” all the programs he interviewed with from most to least favorable.  The hospitals themselves also rank the students/candidates from most to least favorable. 

The NRMP then “matches” the students to the residency programs with the magic of their computer system and who knows what else.  It’s crazy. 

The wait for Match day is torturous. 

David and I met his 4th year of medical school.  He was just starting to go on interviews.  I knew he wanted to do Orthopedics, and I knew that was always one of the most competitive specialties to apply for. 

One by one, he traveled across the U.S. to New York, to St. Louis, to New Orleans, to Indianapolis, New Jersey, and others.

It made my stomach sick.

I didn’t know how to handle it when we first started dating.  I knew I liked him, and I knew I saw a future with us.  I just really didn’t want that future to be anywhere other than Louisville, Kentucky where I felt safe, happy, and perfectly content.

At the beginning, it was something I just tried to keep out of my mind.  I knew that if I thought too much about him matching somewhere else, I would over think it and mess things up between us.

For awhile, matching was the unspoken elephant in the room when it came to our future.

One time I was visiting my sister (also a physician) in Chicago.  I told her we were officially dating now, and I remember her asking me, “are you sure you don’t want to just wait and see what happens with matching?”

She knew ortho was going to be hard for him to get, much less, be lucky enough to match in Louisville.

But we continued our relationship, never knowing exactly what the future would hold. 

As March approached, I started getting more and more apprehensive.  We were basically in love at this point and I was way to into him to get out now.  My only hope was that he matched in Louisville.

About a month before Match, we finally had the nervous talk.  The one about NOT matching in Louisville.

“What if you end up in Pennsylvania or somewhere?” I remember asking him.

“I just assumed you would come with me,” I remember him saying.

He said it like it was no big deal.  Let’s all just pack our bags and move.

But it wasn’t that easy for me.  After all, he would be moving to fulfill his career dream.  I would be moving for…..?  Love.  Also a good reason, but very scary.

After some thought, I realized I wanted to do it…  to move where he went….to do this thing together.

But I was a nervous wreck.

And in the back of my mind, I was still putting all my hopes in the Louisville basket.  Two weeks up to the news, I couldn’t sleep.  I couldn’t stop thinking about the unfairness of someone other than me and him choosing our future.  I thought a lot of it was unfair.  I was angry with the whole thing. 

And other times, I wouldn’t be nervous for myself at all, and I would just be nervous for David.  All he wanted to do was match in Orthopedics.  He was willing to do anything for that dream and I always respected that.  He knew with ortho the possibility of not matching at all was very real.  Here I was worrying about WHERE he was going to match when all he could think about was IF he was going to match.

To make it even more nerve racking, the match is divided up into two days.  The first day (I think this was a Tuesday or something) the applicants found out only one simple fact:  Yes you matched, or no you didn’t.

That’s it.

So the day finally came, and he called me immediately with the news:  “Congratulations, David, you have matched in an Orthopedic Surgery program.”

The weight of the world lifted off that boy’s shoulders.  To say he was excited was an understatement. 

And I was so proud. 

I took him out for a steak dinner that night to congratulate him.  I told him how proud I was that he went for the speciality he most wanted, even though he knew it would be hard, and even though he wasn’t sure it would work.  I told him he was a better person than most, thinking to myself that if it were me, I probably couldn’t have been that brave and that I probably would’ve taken the easy/safe route.  But he didn’t, and that’s why he’s awesome.

My initial response when he matched was a sense of calmness.  That the worry was finally over.  He didn’t have to scramble, he didn’t have to pick a different speciality, he didn’t have to figure out what to do for the next year, or consider if he would try to match ortho again.

So much was answered for him, and it felt good.

Then that good feeling started to subside in me as I quickly became impatient for the second half of the equation———–WHERE was he going??

Wait…. where were WE going???

I tried not to be selfish, because come on, no one likes that girl.  I tried to keep congratulating him, and I tried to keep smiling.

But I was absolutely terrified with what Thursday would hold.  Thursday at noon he found out specifically where he’d spend the next five years of his life for training.

Over the three days that I knew he matched, but didn’t know where, I convinced and then unconvinced myself several things.  First I convinced myself all that mattered was that he matched and to just be happy about that fact alone.  It didn’t matter where, really?  Right?

Then I convinced myself it was probably Louisville.  After all, he did go to medical school there.

Then I convinced myself it was the furthest place possible.  And that I was going to move to a farm in Bethlehem Pennsylvania in the middle of no where and visit Kentucky only when we could scrounge up enough money for airfare.  I prepared myself for worst case scenario.

His class had a matching ceremony where they all opened their envelopes together at noon to discover which program they were accepted to.  Guests were welcome.

He invited me, but I just couldn’t do it.  I wanted him to enjoy his day with his class.  He worked so hard for it, and I didn’t want my reaction to any news he would get to effect the joy he should be feeling.  I knew if he opened that envelope and it didn’t say “University of Louisville” that my face would show complete sadness.  Maybe even tears.  And I didn’t want that for him.  I figured if I was going to cry, I could do that elsewhere!!

So he took his friend Evan with him to the ceremony, while my friend Natalie met me for lunch so she’d be with me when he called with the news.

I was so nervous!!! Staring at my phone, just waiting for that call was miserable.

When he finally called the news was short and sweet.  He just said,

“It’s West Virginia.  It’s Morgantown.”

My heart melted inside, and I could hear a little disappointment on his end as well.

I was happy that he couldn’t see my face in that moment.

Without hesitation, I just said “Congratulations” because I didn’t know what else to say.  And also because it was something to congratulate him on.  It wasn’t his first choice, sure, but it was far from his last (or mine!)

We hung up the phone and went on with our days as planned.  He celebrated, and I spent the day letting the news sink in.

Before we knew it, it was time to move on.  A few months later, we were packing up his room and loading a moving van.

And a month after that, I packed up my room and loaded my moving van.

Part of the delay in my move to WV was finding a job.  It was really hard.  When I shared the news that I would be moving to my colleagues in Louisville, we decided I could work just as easily from West Virginia as I could from there.  So I moved, set up my home office, and started my new life as a stay at home worker.

And now, I could never, ever, ever go back to working outside the home.

I suppose I have the Match process to thank for that.

It has now been 2 years since that infamous match day and perspective and time have made me appreciate all the match process did for our family….though we weren’t aware of any of it at the time.

As I’ve written about before, the whole process humbled me and reminded me that in life, you don’t always get exactly what you want, when you want it, how you want it.  That there is such a thing as sacrifice, if we are willing to give in to it.  That a good attitude can improve almost any situation.

And it even taught me a lot about love.  It strengthened my relationship with David, without question.  Committing to moving with him was my way of showing, “Look how much I love you.  I will go with you.  I will do this together.  I will support you.”  He too made sacrifices through the process.  Though I didn’t want to have anything to do with him making his rank list (I wanted him to do it all on his own based solely on his own selfish and personal preferences to these programs) he later told me that I absolutely influenced his rank list. He thought about me, about us, about our future.  That was his way of showing me: “A job is not the only thing I care about.  You are important to my future, too.  Look what I will sacrifice for us.”

I felt like the whole experience was pretty defining in our relationship.

David is now in his second year and we remain more grateful than ever that he is getting the training that he is.  He loves it and is going to make an awesome surgeon.  I am so proud.

So to those going through the process tomorrow, here’s to taking the news (whatever it might be) with grace, humility, and a positive attitude.  The day may not bring the news you expect or hope for.  Or maybe it does.  But the cliche that things always work out in the end, has some truth behind it.  If you are willing to be flexible and gracious, every one can have a happy ending. 

Good luck to everyone!!!!