Dear Max,

Words I write will never be able to adequately express the love I have for you as my son.  It is so powerful, so strong, and so full, that even if I described it as precisely as possible, you still wouldn’t be able to comprehend its truth.

But maybe someday, perhaps when you yourself are a parent, you will come close to understanding how deep my love for you is. 

In only one short–and very fast–year, you have changed my entire being for the better.  You make me appreciate every minute I have on this earth. 

Before you were born, I sometimes felt like I was just floating.  Always happy, always content, but always feeling a little incomplete.  No matter how much love  I received from the world around me, I always knew I wouldn’t be complete without starting a family of my own. 

Your father, along with YOU— this tiny, beautiful, innocent baby,  gave me exactly that…. a family.

You have given me more purpose than I could ever imagine you would.  There were days in my life before you where I would wait for the future, waste days and time, and wish for something better.  But since you came into being, those same sins seem impossible to commit.

I wake up every day with joy.  With energy.  With excitement to see you.  Even in my most tired moments, I see your face and it rejuvenates and encourages me.  You make me want to be my best self, by being the best possible mother I can be to you, and best possible wife I can be to your father.

 Somewhere in your baby books,  we have noted your height and weight each month, the date you first you crawled, and each tooth as it has broken through your gums.  While these milestones are fun to journal, these details of your first year are far from the ones I chose to keep recent in my mind and heart.

Instead, I remember the moment you arrived.  How ironic it seemed that your crying would bring tears to my eyes and a smile to my face.  All I kept saying when you were born was “Awww….” over and over again.  It’s like I was speechless beyond that one syllable.

I remember the first time you latched on and breastfed.  You were a natural at eating.  I had never experienced anything like that before.

I remember our first few weeks at home, me and daddy taking turns holding you on the couch, my neck becoming sore from looking down and staring at you for hours.  I remember sleepless nights of feeding you around the clock….reaching over to get you from the bassinet, only inches from my bed.

I remember lying awake so tired but unable to sleep–worried about you in your big boy crib, praying that nothing bad would happen to you over night and that we would always get a chance to see you alive and happy in the morning.

I remember making multiple trips to Kentucky, just you and me in the car.  Pulling over at rest stops and exits to feed you and change your diaper.  Listening to Justin Roberts on repeat, praying for you to sleep “at least until Lexington!”

I remember our first outing as a family.  Daddy took us to IHop for my birthday.  We were so worried about people wanting to come up and look at you.  But we couldn’t blame them either.

And a few days later, we went out of state for the first time to a pizzeria in Uniontown, Pennsylvania for a Valentine’s Day lunch.  After feeding you in the car, we walked down the street to the bakery and bought heart shaped sugar cookies.  To date, that has been the best Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had.

I remember watching you as you quickly evolved, becoming increasingly more independent with each day.  Sitting up, feeding yourself, crawling, talking, and walking.  Discovering new toys and new ways to play with them.  Teaching and entertaining yourself when you thought no one was watching (hint:  Mommy is always watching!!)

I remember the way your face lights up and your eyes squint when you get to do the things you love, like eating, or taking a bath.   And how that same face can quickly get so sad and pouty when you do not get the things you want!

I remember our morning routine of waking up and playing with toys while mommy drinks her coffee in her robe!  I am most thankful for the opportunity to be at home with you, every day.   

And I remember my favorite part of the evening— when the toys are put away, you’re fresh out of the bath tub,  in your pjs, with a paci in your mouth, snuggled up with me to watch Sesame Street before bed.  There is no where in the world I’d rather be than in that moment with you, each night.

In many ways, having my first child was much like I dreamt it would be.  But in other ways there are aspects I didn’t quite envision, that are now part of our every day reality.

Your dad and I did not necessarily imagine for you a life hundreds of miles away from your cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents.  But that is what we were dealt with, and what we will continue to have until at least your 5th birthday (God willing, not longer than that….)

But the experince has proved to be another lesson for us as parents.  It’s a lesson I will admit I needed, but never would have volunteered to learn.  The distance has created autonomy in our household, that we otherwise wouldn’t have.  While it’s been harder on us to be on our own without family here, I can honestly say the experience has proved to be more rewarding as well.  

We’ve learned to rely on our family of three.  On each other for support, for help, and for encouragement.  Mostly because we don’t have grandparents here, your father and I take you with us everywhere we chose to go!  You’ve been to more restaurants, shops, grocery stores, hospital dining rooms, and malls than one little boy could imagine!  And you’ve always loved the action and excitement that comes with traveling out in the “real” world.  

And despite this distance, you have enjoyed every holiday with your cousins, and have gotten to know all your grandparents very well.  You’ve been able to travel across the country to places like Chicago and Nebraska, as well as share your home with visitors and friends.

Being away from family, however, has done little to hurt your social calendar.  Your first year of life proved to be a very active one!  You (and mommy) love play dates and getting out of the house!!  Some of our favorite activities were baby yoga, Buggies and Babes, story time at the bookstore, swimming, meeting Daddy for lunch, playing at the library, going to the park, taking walks, visiting the Children’s Museum, and playing with other kids at MOPS and at the WVU rec center.

I am well aware that the older you get, the less you will be interested in playing with mommy.  I will probably have a hard time with that.  You are my best friend, and I know I cannot always be yours.  I promise to allow you to grow up, find yourself, and be an independent, well-rounded, confident man.  In fact, that is my end goal for you.

But I hope as you get older, we always find ways to deepen and continue our mother/son relationship.  I know that while things will inevitably change with each passing year, that change does not mean our love for each other will weaken.  In fact, the opposite will be true.  With time, the relationship between you and me can only strengthen and grow to an even more meaningful and mature level.

A mother/child relationship is indeed the definition of a symbiotic life.  As much as you rely on me, I rely on you the same.  As much as you learn from me, I learn from you the same. 

This is the first of a series of letters I plan to write for each of your birthdays.   I hope when you are older and read this letter,  you realize how much you have enhanced my life.  I know your father feels the same.  And for that, we can only hope to give back to you over your lifetime, the same happiness and love you give to us every day.

And while I look back with nostalgia (and a few tears) I equally look forward with anticipation to the long, happy, and beautiful life your father and I will do our best to give you. 

Thank you for a wonderful first year.  Happy Birthday, sweet Max!

I love you,

Mom